I'm Sorry For Bothering You, But Would You Mind Reading This Post?

This week we've been focused on two important speech acts: apologies and requests. As with all other forms of social speech, how you apologize or request depends on several variables: social context, the relative status of the speaker and hearer, the closeness of the relationship, the sex and age of both persons, and the seriousness of the situation. Whatever the language or culture, speakers modify their speech according to these social and contextual factors.  As social animals we learn to develop an awareness of our environment, to size up the listener, and to modify our speech accordingly. Making a proper apology requires these six steps:

1. An expression of regret (I'm sorry, I apologize, Forgive me, Excuse me)

2. An acknowledgement of responsibility (It was my fault, I'm so stupid!)

3. An explanation (I was careless, I wasn't paying attention, I missed the bus, The dog ate my homework)

4. An offer of repair (I'll pay for the drycleaning, I'll buy you another one)

5. A promise of non-recurrence (It will never happen again, I promise!) 

6. Asking for forgiveness (Will you forgive me?)

The sixth step, asking for forgiveness, can effectively be combined with any of the other five steps. For example: I'm so sorry for forgetting to mail the check. I promise it won't happen again. Please forgive me for being so careless.

When you take responsibility for your action, you also acknowledge the hurt that was caused to the other person. By asking for forgiveness at the end of the apology and submitting yourself to the other person's mercy, you have demonstrated your remorse and sincerity. Now it's up to the other person to make the next move. The ball is in their court.

We also learned that applying an intensifier in front of sorry (I'm so sorry, really sorry, very sorry) is most appropriate when the speaker has a close or important relationship with the hearer. Thus friends, family, teachers, and employers should hear an intensifier. The seriousness of the situation will also dictate the need for an intensifier. For example, bumping into someone on a crowded train merits a simple "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me." However, if you bumped a stranger and caused him to spill his drink, an intensifier would be appropriate. Other intensifiers include terribly (I'm terribly sorry to bother you), which is more common to British English than to American, and frightfully, another Britishism. I'm frightfully sorry for dragging you to that awful faculty party last night.


A simple way of acknowledging responsibility for your careless or thoughtless behavior is to apologize by using the word for along with an explanation. I'm sorry for eating the last slice of pizza. If it's something for which you are not directly responsible, use about. For example: I'm sorry about last night -- I didn't know that my parents would behave so badly. 

Making requests is another form of speech dictated by social context. Using the conditional tense (would, could) is more polite than using can. For example, Would you pass me the salt is more polite than Could you pass me the salt, which is more polite than Can you pass me the salt. Sometimes a request is preceded by the phrase Do you mind or Would you mind. For example, Do you mind is always followed by if, and the verb is always expressed in the present tense.  Do you mind if I borrow your car? When would you mind is followed by if, the verb is expressed in the past tense. Would you mind if I borrowed the car?  But when if is removed, the verb that follows would you mind is always in the progressive form (-ing ending). Would you mind moving your chair? Of course, always add please to these requests. You can never go wrong saying please. To fail to say please when making a request is to risk being perceived as arrogant or  uncouth.  Politeness, after all, is the mark of a civilized person.  However, social discourse is also culturally-driven.  Here in the South, children are taught to say, "yes sir" and "no ma'am." Northerners, often in a hurry to get to the point, are often perceived by southerners as rude or brusque, while to a New Englander like me, some southerners can come across as phony, or insincere. Unfamilair with the code, outsiders often misinterpret culture-bound behavior. On the other hand, you'll never go wrong saying please and thank you.